Brief Summary of My Life – Posted from Antipolo, Rizal, Philippines February 17, 2025

Reference in The Canadian Encyclopedia https://www.thecanadianencyclopedia.ca/en/article/jearld-moldenhauer by Ron Levy – September, 2024

William Blake (Nov. 28, 1757 – August 12, 1827)

“A fool sees not the same tree that a wise man sees.”

”The tree which moves some to tears of joy is in the eyes of others only a green thing that stands in the way. Some see nature all ridicule and deformity…and some scarce see nature at all. But to the eyes of the man of imagination, nature is imagination itself.”

Levels and layers. – Is reality the same for everyone and every creature? Of course not. For sure there are endless levels or layers to what we, trapped in our limited consciousness and the parameters of our sense organs call “reality”. Only a few people are tuned in to and capable of perceiving “realities” closer to what I‘ll call the „core“. Obviously our language is the vehicle whereby we describe perception and experience. Close to 100% of the terminology operates on such a superficial level that it nurtures the negation of anything deeper . People who exist on this level (programmed a bit differently in each culture and language) can never understand those operating on a deeper level. And of course it’s frustrating and usually pretty boring for those capable of something more than “small talk” to attempt genuine conversation with most people around us. It’s not so much that they don’t have the feelings and thoughts of a more intellectual nature, it’s more that they suppress them, are afraid of them, and lack the vocabulary to articulate them.

Other basic information about my life:

1.) Current primary activities: botanical pursuits, photography, learning about Philippine and other Asian cultures, attend classes for 1-2 hours daily on You Tube and also use Google searches and Wikipedia to learn many things that were censored or edited out of mainstream media and/or “education”, trying to stay healthy and in relatively good shape for someone my age! As for reading and watching videos, among others still living, I follow a few gay writers such as Stephen Fry, Yuval Noah Harari, Douglas Murray, & Edmund White as well as film director Pedro Almodovar.

Unfortunately I pay too much attention to international news. Events over which there is no control. My own life – having lived in different countries and travelling to many has educated and sensitised me to much of what is happening. From the geological events on Santorini, to the major conflicts between the Ukraine and Russia and between Israel and Gaza. To the protests in Slovakia and the political upheavals elsewhere —in Europe, Africa and Asia. Meanwhile the Trumpian government’s chaotic reign threatens pretty well everything with it’s mindless, hollow bullying war cry, “Make America Great Again”. On the internet one has the opportunity to see, hear and read about everything from any number of perspectives that previously were shut out. That alone has changed so much of the narrative we’ve been programmed to identify with. The old dichotomy between left and right seems far more complicated than we were schooled into adhering to.

2.) Countries I’ve Lived In: USA, Canada, Morocco, the Philippines.

3.) Countries I’ve visited: Afghanistan, Austria, Belgium, Brazil, Bulgaria, Canada, Cambodia, Colombia, Costa Rica, Cuba, Czechia, Denmark, Deutschland, Egypt, El Salvador, Espana, France, Greece, Guatemala, Holland, Honduras, Hungary, India, Indonesia, Iran, Israel, Italy,Jordan, Kenya, Lebanon, Luxembourg, Malaysia, Mexico, Morocco, Nepal, Nicaragua , Pakistan, Panama, Poland, Portugal, Romania, Singapore, Slovakia, Syria, Sweden, Switzerland, Taiwan, Tanzania, Thailand, Tunisia, Tuerkiye, United Kingdom, United States, Venezuela, Viet Nam. I also visited the former “Yugoslavia” a few times (North Macedonia and Serbia).

4.) Major Events of the Past Decade: The house I co-owned in Canada was sold in 2017. Until 2022 I lived at Dar Balmira (Falcon House) in the Medina of Fez, Morocco. My travels in Southeast Asia began in 2018. In 2022 I attempted to initiate a small nature reserve by offering to help fund and support the Philippine Eagle Foundation in Mindanao. Rejected, no clear reason offered. Only one I can think of.

In 2023 I met Melvin Disono in Manila and our unconventional relationship began. Age wise, we are 50 years apart. From my experience and observations, such inter-generational relationships are not at all uncommon in several Asian cultures. Mostly based on mutual carrying – looking after each other.

We purchased land on a river in the mountainous jungle of eastern Rizal in late 2023. Most of 2024 was spent developing the land. My efforts were directed entirely to establishing four gardens. Things were going well until two typhoons (in July and September 2024) triggered powerful flash floods that pretty much destroyed everything I had achieved. Presently in a holding pattern to see what the government will do about the access road that was washed away. And also to alter the course of the river to prevent future catastrophic events. There are a few photo galleries on this website that give you an idea what was achieved before the flash floods hit.

I am currently growing an ever increasing number of plants on the balcony of our house. Here are a few photos of particular flowers that I grow & collect. Hibiscus (in Tagalog: gumamela), also Passiflora, and a Yellow Alamanda. Hibiscus are shubs, some are natural species but many of the ones with large showy flowers are hybrids produced here in the Philippines. Passiflora and Alamanda are vines with most species native to tropical regions of Central and South America.

Here in the tropics plants grow much faster than they do in a temperate climate. That means that a careful observer can see actual changes from day to day. At different “speeds” of course. I am especially enamoured of vines because many of them grow several centimetres in a day. And of course many have organs to grab on as they direct their growth according to light and what is available for them to attach to. Something I find weird is how people have so many beautiful plants, but do little to take care of them. One sees countless specimens and species suffering because of neglect. There seems to be this assumption that some force (a god? Mary? priestly propaganda?) looks after everything. If only they could go back to their indigenous roots with an honest and deeper relationship to nature! Alas, Magellan was killed by a native named Lapu-Lapu, but he planted the curse of Catholicism in his wake. The disturbing question that I am not so sure I know the entire answer to, is why it took hold and grew into such grotesque manifestations. I assume the ego’s craving for immortality. The greatest of all lies.

Hibiscus – In Tagalog – Gumamela

Passiflora

5.) Lifelong Major Interests:

Nature – (especially botany, entomology, and ornithology). Gardening became an important part of my life in Canada at the 32 Beaty Avenue house and also at Dar Balmira, my house inside the ancient Medina of Fez. In Canada and in Morocco I raised many species of parrot, as well as toucans, finches and exotic pigeons. In Morocco I raised and released falcons (usually purchased from small boys who stole young birds from the nest), and cared for two species of eagle (both injured by local farmers).

For more than 30 years I enjoyed dozens of canoe/camping trips in the Provincial Parks of Ontario with my canoe/nature photographer partner, Philip Atkinson. A truly talented, refined artist for landscape and close-ups of birds and other creatures. After serving as a witness before the Supreme Court of B.C. in the censorship case – Little Sisters Bookstore vs Her Majesty’s Dept. of Customs & Revenue – I flew north to spend several days exploring the Haida Gwaii archipelago.

In Jordan, Egypt, & Tunisia I travelled extensively in the desert regions, including Wadi Rum (Jordan) and Siwa oasis (Egypt). Living many years in Morocco, I explored most of the country (except the extreme south) by motor scooter, totalling thousands of kilometres, especially in the four mountain ranges (the Rif, Middle Atlas, High Atlas, and Anti-Atlas). South of the Sahara I explored Kenya and Tanzania (including Zanzibar), taking about ten “safaris” inside National Parks. In Kenya, with my tent and porters to carry supplies, I climbed Mt.Kenya.

Highlights of Central & South America include: excursions to the Cascadas de Agua Azul (Mexico), Parque Nacional Rincon de la Vieja, Monteverde Cloud Forest, Parque Nacional Corcovado (Costa Rica), Isla Ometepe (Nicaragua), Nacional Soberania (Panama), Parqu Nacional Canaima (Salto Angel), Mt. Roraima (Venezuela), Amazon River – Manaus to Santarem by ferry, Las Cataratas del Iguazu (Brazil).

Back in the mid 1970’s a friend and I did the trek from Pokara, Nepal toward the base camp of Mt. Annapurna. After 3 or 4 days of walking we met a boy from Scandanavia who was returning from the camp. We were all told by the authorities who issue permits to trekkers, that the base camp was open. The young man informed us that it was completely shut down and he had spent the night outside in the rain, with no shelter. To make matters worse, he said that leeches were all over his body, including his genitals. So of course we turned back, even though we were within a day’s trek of the camp. Still, it certainly was a very unique 6-7 days, climbing up and down muddy leech infested mountains with their stunningly beautiful rhododendron trees.

During my more recent travels in Southeast Asia I have managed to visit Halong Bay in Vietnam, Bali and Komodo Island in Indonesia, Bako National Park and Semenggoh Wildlife Centre (an Orangutan refuge) in Borneo, Malaysia.

Ancient History & Archeology

Altogether I have visited and photographed a few hundred archeological sites & museums. My particular interests are more concentrated on the civilizations of the Middle East (including Egypt) and the Mediterranean basin before the three Ibrahimic religions came to dominate how we view and experience our relationship with our bodies and with nature. My reading preferences always return to Greek & Roman classical literature. Special mention also goes to the giant Buddha’s at Bamiyan, Afghanistan and the ruins of Roman Palmyra in Syria, both of which I visited before they were destroyed by crazy Islamists.

Sexuality

As a founder both in the USA and Canada of what originally was called the “gay liberation movement, thinking about and analyzing the sexuality of Homo sapiens has been a major intellectual subject of my life, always informed as much as possible by legitimate science.. Naturally I draw upon my personal experiences, adventures too countless to ever count, not in just the countries I’ve lived in, but in almost all of the countries I’ve visited . My brief encounters probably number in the thousands (with males of all ages from after puberty onwards) and I have both enjoyed and suffered through some 7-8 long term relationships.

I have my own theories about human sexuality that mostly run counter to the accepted ideas. Yes, I’ve read some of the literature in various scientific fields, as well as the important works of gay history. It’s worth remembering and stating that gay history, including biography essentially did not exist – was intentionally censored by scholarship of academia until gay people started writing and a few publishers embraced the new literature. A few honest references survived in memoirs, journals and autobiographies, but even those were often destroyed by family members. We are left to speculate what Greek & Roman references were lost or destroyed by religious zealots. To be sure, any rather explicit writings would definitely be targeted for the fire, leaving only a few paintings & delightful bits of graffiti, (often chiseled into stone) to go by.

As my own story goes, I started Glad Day Bookshop because Canadian distributors of mainstream American and British publishing houses with the emerging new gay literature did little or nothing to promote them, despite being included in their contractual agreements. Even 3 or 4 years after I started selling gay books, no sales reps contacted me when their catalogs of new titles came out. The absolute clearest statement of prejudice came from the Canadian Booksellers Association after Brian Mulroney’s government put “The Joy of Gay Sex” on their list of banned books. The Executive Director of that organization (to which Glad Day belonged) refused to support our court challenge against the Federal government (and, haha, Her Majesty).

Important personally for my own identity and developing philosophy were Greek & Roman writers, especially of course “Symposium” by Plato. Non-fiction reading began at age 13-14 with the American transcendentalists, Ralph Waldo Emerson & Henry David Thoreau. At Cornell and after I read Andre Gide, Freud, Herbert Marcuse, Norman O. Brown, Alfred Kinsey, Donald W. Cory, Wainwright Churchill, R.D. Laing, Vern Bullough, and Louis Crompton. William Blake’s writings are liberating on a level all their own. It seems to me that the serious scientific research has, time and again, been thwarted by the reactionary and religious forces in society.

Music

For most of my adult life (starting about age 14), I obsessively explored western classical music, as well as older musical traditions of other cultures, especially those I visited. I’m not exactly sure how that started, probably a combination of collecting old 78rpm discs that fit my close to zero budget, along with my German language teacher who played bits of Wagner and Beethoven in class as part of the introduction to German culture. I chose my own high school graduation present, a 6 disc LP box set of “Die Götterdammerung” with Kirsten Flagstad as Brunnhilde.

For a few years I showed some interest in the folk and blues music of the USA, but my intellectual and emotional life was far more enriched by many composers whose works I explored and endlessly listened to. Basically I have always been repulsed by the popular music of all cultures. As a few people might remember, classical music was always on at the Glad Day Bookshop I was working in.

Naturally, the complete works of Johann Sebastian Bach occupied a place no other composer could ever achieve. Those “others” include Schütz, Telemann, Monteverdi, Vivaldi, Puccini, Berlioz, Wagner, Richard Strauss, Janacek, Weill, Britten and Orff, all geniuses in their own right. Special mention also goes to Anton Bruckner whose symphonies and choral music occupied another unique sphere in my intellectual & emotional life. For many years I listened to one of his symphonies, usually the 7th, 8th or 9th, before embarking upon a voyage to a culture and topography new to me. As well during the 1980’s and 1990’s I explored the music of many neglected baroque composers, made possible by the collaboration between certain specialized recording companies and European orchestras dedicated to performing neglected masterpieces of that era.

At Cornell I was fortunate enough to take two classes with Donald J. Grout (Sept. 28, 1902 – March 9, 1987), probably the foremost musicologist in America during the 1960’s and ‘70’s. Like many of my generation I followed the careers of various conductors, opera singers and solo instrumentalists. During the ‘70’s and 80’s I made a point of trying to see live productions of operas. Mostly in Europe and at the Met in New York where often I would stand in line to buy or be given free tickets from people unable to attend. For some reason (bad luck?) I had several friendships and a few relationships with the gayest group of musicians: church organists!

Over the years I inadvertently managed a number of ‘incidents’ and encounters with musical performers. I’m including a few that I can recall. And a special incident at the Canadian National Opera.

During my last year at Cornell my roommates happened to be friends with the French soprano Regine Crespin, famous for her many operatic roles, as well as Berlioz‘s song cycle Les nuits d’été . On one occasion in 1968, we all spent an evening drinking together at the Stonewall Inn. At the 1970 Edinburgh Festival in I had the honour of crashing into Bernard Haitink while crossing the street and a few days later I recall Dietrich Fisher-Dieskau ordering me out of his rehearsal room. The highlight of my visit to the Festival was the opportunity to see four operas by Leos Janacek. Janacek’s works were just beginning to be performed by Western European and American orchestras and opera houses. A few months earlier I had visited Janacek’s house in Brno, at that time a Czech city off the beaten path. As a solo backpacker with some knowledge of Janacek’s music I was surprised to be invited to overnight in the house. A year or two later in Berlin state Opera I found myself sitting next to Jessye Norman in the cheapest balcony seats for a performance „Die Walküre“. We chatted together, both being Americans. She was there to learn the roles of Sieglinde and Brünnhilde.

In Toronto around 1974 I attended a Canadian National Opera another performance of “Die Walküre”. With me was my partner at the time. A couple of young male ushers saw us holding hands and attacked, viciously beating me. I assume because I was a few years older than my partner. Horrified and disheveled I dragged myself into the theatre’s office to report the incident to the manager. His response was equally shocking. He said absolutely nothing. I remember thinking “Is this Canada? What other country could this happen in?” The same thought that crossed my mind when I was fired from the University of Toronto for founding the gay student organisation.

The last concert I attended was in Leipzig around 2013. A performance of Bach Cantatas in the Thomas Kirche, conducted by Nicolas Harnoncourt (Dec. 6, 1929 – March 5, 2016).

A year or so later my hearing deteriorated and I have never been able to seriously enjoy music ever since.

Photography’s Role in My Life. March 6, 2025

My first camera was not a still camera. Rather it was a wind up Kodak 8mm home movie camera. Internet research says that Kodak introduced it about 1955 and it sold for about $25. I probably got mine at age 13 or 14. Basically taking movies of the family – with almost no understanding of the principles of photography. Embarrassing early camera work, but useful as still images I can grab from the digitalized footage. When I say “useful” I am thinking of family history, with most of the people captured on these film clips having long ago departed.

When I graduated from high school I bought myself a Bolex Super 8 mm movie camera. It probably cost about $200. The last time I used it was in 1973 filming the Toronto Gay Pride March. It has since been digitalized by the NFB and bits used in a few documentaries. Not particularly great, but at least I made the effort. Lasts just over 15 minutes.

During my last year at Cornell I took a course in still B&W photography. For my final project I was able to borrow a medium format (6x6cm. negative) double lens Rolliflex camera from the department and decided to take photos of Toronto. I produced a small set of prints in a university darkroom. The professor liked the images and gave me a good grade. That bit of positive reinforcement ultimately encouraged me to continue taking still images. And of course it gave me a technical understanding of the important factors involved in capturing reasonable quality images.

Once I had enough money from my job as a medical research technician at U of T I bought a Bronica medium format camera. At first I simply took quite a few photos of my neighbourhood – the area between College Avenue and Queen Street, from McCaul Street over to the Kensington Market. About half Chinese immigrants, half white working class. One might say that artistically my photography lacked focus as far as subject matter goes. Perhaps I knew more about what I wasn’t interested in, than what I really cared about. My first darkroom was set up in the basement apartment on McCaul Street. I recall having aspirations of selling prints to the local people but I never pursued the business end of things.

At that stage I was trying to come to terms with what really were the subjects that interested me. Definitely nothing to do with commercial types of photography. As for well known photographers whose work I admired, only Cartier Bresson comes to mind. It was clear to me that I was only interested in showing reality, without any manipulation or glossing over. Things just naturally coalesced around the lives of ordinary people, (mostly working class), the natural world and most importantly as it turned out, documenting the early Toronto gay movement that I was involved in.

Ironically, one of the first people to attend a UTHA meeting was also a nature lover with an interest in photography. We developed a solid friendship and eventually became canoeing/camping partners. Still good friends 54 years later. Over the decades we took many trips to various Northern Ontario Provincial Parks were we both concentrated our photo efforts on the local flora and fauna. He is something of a recluse. Very unfortunate because his nature photography is astoundingly intimate, capturing special moments both in landscape and in the lives of our fellow creatures.

As for my gay movement photos? Well, I need to start by saying that I was fully conscious of their potential historical significance. Why? Because I felt that the movement had real revolutionary potential. Initially I tried to capture images of the events and major players. All that became both more obvious and useful after we started publishing „the body politic“ paper. Publishing a gay newspaper was my idea as a way to move forward following the August 28, 1971 Ottawa Demonstration.

If memory serves me right, I did most, if not all of the photography for the paper until my departure from the collective in mid-1974. 1972 & 1973 were the peak years for my gay movement photography in Toronto, including the 15 minute movie of the 1973 Gay Pride March. Unfortunately some of the negatives went missing or were never returned by the printer. A similar story in Boston with a few photos used by Fag Rag.

During my entire adult life, each year I insisted on travelling to new countries. In retrospect, the best trips were those I went on alone. Those allowed me to meet more of the local people and concentrate on photography. There is an obvious continuum between my aesthetic values, my deep personal interests, and photographic subjects, all mentioned earlier in this document.

The downside to being alone with a valuable camera around one’s neck is obvious. It made me more vulnerable to situations that were sometimes dangerous, almost costing me my life in Venezuela, Lebanon and Morocco. In Caracas a young man knocked me to the pavement and put a gun to my head. I gave him my camera. In Baalbek I was lifted off the ground by two thugs and placed in a car, gun to my head. They were members of Hezbollah and stupidly decided that because of the camera I was a spy for Israel. Only after hours of extreme interrogation was I released, dumped out of a moving car. In Morocco I visited the small town of Sefrou to photograph their “cherry festival”. Inside the small old Medina I waited at a fountain to get a drink of water. A crazed young man with a knife attacked me, slicing up my arm holding the camera strap. Soaked in blood, with dozens of people standing around but not one person intervening to help me. I let him have the camera, staggered out of the Medina where a cop called an ambulance. After I was stitched up I somehow managed to drive back to Fez. In India people often tried to stop me from photographing desperate poverty situations, but at least without knives or guns. Despite such incidents, to keep your mind on photography it’s definitely best to be by yourself.

There must be hundreds, probably thousands of negatives from both the trips abroad and the nature oriented canoe/camping trips to Northern Ontario that I have never digitally scanned and worked with. If I live long enough I may at least scan some of those in hopes of finding the best of the lot.

Many are on my website and some people & organizations from European countries (such as Italy, Germany, France, Romania, Czech Republic, and Greece to name the ones I recall) value them and post them on websites and blogs. A few publishers also use them in books or media presentations. The same with some of the early Toronto photos. After 30-40-50+ years many have become part of the historical record from times past. As for homosexuals, mostly images of gay men: writers, activists, partners and friends, several of whom died during the AIDS epidemic. Also a few activist women. Sadly for a number of those individuals it seems that my images may be thew only public records of their lives. I often do Google searches to see what references have made it to the web and often come up with little or nothing.

Asking if there has been much appreciation of my photographic work by the Toronto gay & lesbian community? My Canadian experience has been complicated and somewhat bizarre. Back in 2007, John Alan Lee (August 24, 1933 – December 5, 2013), a Sociology professor at U of T’s Scarborough College approached me as a friend and as someone he considered to be an important figure in creating the Canadian gay movement. Also as someone who somehow seemed to be forgotten, my contributions barely recognised. He suggested an event (a banquet). In response I suggested a photo exhibit. So we worked together to make that happen during gay pride week that year. I printed and framed about 40-50 images that I considered important. A mix of subjects that I photographed over the decades. John approached people in the community who might help support the event financially. Mostly people from my generation or older. People who had some sense of what my life in Toronto had achieved in creating a strong political and social movement, and also were quite aware that I was less than appreciated by the power brokers and narrative spinners. Almost all of the people John contacted contributed.

One special person chose not to. Ken Popert, CEO of Pink Triangle Press told John that my contributions were not worthy of recognition. Being consistent, Mr. Popert’s publications (Xtra and a gay pride week booklet) basically ignored even mentioning the exhibit. None the less, many of the Xtra staff showed up for the opening party and wandered in and out over the week or so in the space that we had booked above “This Ain’t the Rosedale Library” for the exhibit. Sadly, the event was censored by the most powerful gay media outfit in the Toronto (and Canada) gay community.

For me that came as no surprise, because the seizures of books, magazines, films, greeting cards etc. that happened continuously from about 1985-1991 (and beyond) when I ”sold” (actually traded for half ownership of the house at 32 Beaty Avenue) the store to John Scythes received almost no coverage in “Xtra”. In other words, the paper refused to play a role in either educating the public about how censorship operated and therefore did nothing to mobilise the community’s support for Glad Day. All because Ken Popert had declared me a “person non grata” sometime in the early 1980’s. After a certain date even my name was not allowed to appear in Xtra. Perhaps some history academic will verify what I have written, however I will not hold my breath.

When the exhibit was over I presented the framed Toronto gay movement photos to the CLGA. Several large prints as well as a binder containing many dozen 8 x 10 prints. I had hoped that at least some of the enlargements would be displayed on the walls of the CLGA, however I never saw or heard anything about them again. Not even a formal thank you or acknowledgment that I recall.

The last bit of attention I received in Toronto happened about 2018 (?) when the Kathy Acker Foundation (Acker was an American radical feminist writer – 1947-1997) decided to include me in their annual award’s event. I found that very interesting since the foundation was not a gay or lesbian organisation, yet unlike the bloated, co-opted and assimilationist oriented alphabet soup “community”, they had enough insight and perspective to focus on & honor the role I had played in the social and political evolution of Canada.

When they announced the names of the award recipients, a lesbian “artist” in Toronto denounced their decision and told them that she would give back her own award if they followed through. Apparently she had looked at my web site and decided that I am a “pedophile” because there are “too many” photos of boys on the website. The Chinese-Canadian woman who had nominated me actually went to the CLGA to do some research and concluded that I was not a pedo, however that is defined. I don’t know if the “artist” returned her own award or not. I had left Toronto a year or so before, so I did not attend the party or ceremony. But I did send them a photo to project on a screen. Which they did. A photo taken by my partner during a gay protest demonstration in Nuremberg, Germany in 1983. Me on the left, German friend on the right.

This is another example of both sides of Toronto mentality. It’s likely that the dreadful „artist“ would have given Oscar Wilde the death sentence!

My early gay movement photos of Toronto are the most sought after. In recent years, many have been used in documentaries, books, and academic papers. Most of these media outfits and researchers have had the decency to contact me for permission, but there have been (and continue to be) several incidents where some stupid volunteer or staff person at the “Arquives” treats my photos as if they have copyright. This happened over and over again and unfortunately has somewhat strained my relationship with that important organization.

My website “Dar Balmira Photography Gallery” had over 1000 images of Morocco. The house itself had about 300 enlarged framed photos, 40 of which were restored photogravure images of Fez Medina taken around 1915. I was hoping that by emphasising Moroccan history they would help clinch some support, at least from the formal, government connected touristic establishment. But they showed zero interest. The project was a total failure, meaning the number of visitors to the actual gallery was well below any sustainable level. There are other reasons that I think are behind the failure. Basically after trying for a year to network with the tourist industry, I simply gave up. However, I continued to take photos and add them to the website.*

During a 2022 trip to Southeast Asia I met someone special in the Philippines and moved here from Morocco. The house in Fez Medina is being transformed into a cultural institution & guest house by a gay friend from Slovakia.

In the Philippines I continue to take photos of people, cultural objects and nature subjects for my website. So far very few people have bothered to look at them. Doesn’t really bother me that much, especially since things are mostly still in their formative stages. I mostly take pictures for my own personal reasons. A beautiful flower, a beautiful boy. The life of ordinary people. The pleasure is somehow similar to sex for me, very much a part of what I see as my aesthetic adventure.

Most of the time I have been either doing close-up photos of insects and plants (using a Canon EOS 6D with a close up lens) or taking photos of people and the more quirky aspects of life here in the Philippines with an iPhone. When cell phones first hit the market they were the object of choice for street thieves everywhere. Once the market got more saturated and literally everyone had at least one, the dangers somewhat decreased. Given the experiences I had with an SLR camera around my neck, an iPhone with many format options and a good zoom function is the best choice if photographing candid shots of people. My strategy around adding new images to my website? Basically I come up with an idea that has been gestating in my mind after a certain amount of observation, and proceed to take enough interesting images in order to constitute a gallery on my website.

Concluding Remarks

In writing this, as well as other short pieces about my life as a gay man in what once was a “movement”, and as a photographer, gardener and traveler, I’ve tried to convey the vacillating cycle of life’s ups and downs.

In my opinion, fifty-six years after Stonewall, self-oppression still plays a significant role in the lives of most gays and lesbians. Especially in North America there’s a huge gay cultural generational gap that few are even interested in acknowledging, let alone addressing. The gulf between on the ground reality and a vision of “liberation”, as it was for a young radical back in 1970, and the current emphasis on fitting into the framework of the heterosexual world is so enormous that both consciously & subconsciously it no doubt played a part in my decision to move on. Not that life in either Morocco or here in the Philippines is at all “liberated”. But at least the way people experience life and relate to their bodies and sexual needs is a bit different from the narrative the western world trys to impose upon the entire world.

It’s true that as most people age, whatever rebellious edge they had in their younger days subsides and they slowly tend to embrace the status quo. Any interest I had in photographing gay cultural events like protest marches that morphed into Lesbian & Gay Pride and later into “Pride” lost my attention and interest somewhere along the way. Eliminating the word “gay” was an obvious turning point. It coincided with the corporate world slowly embracing the “community” phenomena as a lucrative market to exploit. Many gays nowadays, seem to have lost a special individuality that often expressed itself creatively and was a precious part of our cultural identity. On paper, most western democracies finally came round and granted us a degree of civil equality.

The outsiders (when I was growing up we were classified both as criminal and psychologically defective) have won a place in the herd. Any vision of actually changing our social organisation and liberating it from its religious sackles evaporated even before we could articulate the vision. However the winds of change are more complex than we understand. Once the gay movement got underway and started gaining traction, changing perceptions (the nonsensical and irrational pseudoscientific labelling nonsense), then laws, gaining civil liberties, challenging religiously based discriminations, more and more people had the courage to “come out”, to identify as gay or at least bisexual. However that triggered the first co-optation by the corporate world who identified gay men & lesbian as consumers often with a greater disposable income than heterosexuals. They began sponsoring floats and contingents in what now were called “pride” marches. So proud that they abandoned the word “gay”.

Then people identifying as transgender – wanting to physically change their genders thru various surgical procedures latched onto the remnants of a barely functioning gay movement, co-opting whatever perceived power and momentum it still had and speaking as if we all agreed with and had signed on to their agenda. Ultimately the media and political parties started characterising us as if we were under the same banner. The movement I was a founder of certainly feels compassion toward those identifying as transsexual but our focus was and still is on overcoming the taboos against homosexuality. It is more than interesting that the oppressive theocratic regime in Iran encourages homosexuals to embrace transsexual surgery as a way of “fitting in” to their cruel religious based heterosexual dictatorship.

The AIDS epidemic ended what might be referred to as a culturally spontaneous but scientifically doomed experiment in the gay male world to approximate a genuine sexual liberation distinct from a world defined by heterosexual religiously based status quo concepts. Basically it has generally led to a kind of desexualisation of gay life itself. I remember how Toronto gay leader/businessman/ and politician George Hislop never missed an opportunity to warn the community not to forget that our difference from the rest of society is based upon not just our sexual identity, but upon the real sex we so much enjoy.

Gradually an assimilationist mentality, aping heterosexual society, has almost completely taken over. People like myself are likely seen as relics of the past. Another older better known activist refers to us as “dinosaurs”. Perhaps a misfit or embarrassment in the eyes of the current majority. By then, some of us survivors from the early days refer today’s crowd as „the alphabet soup people“. As if the taboo against the sex of homosex, especially the adoration of male youth, has somehow left the stage (or gone underground), to be replaced by couples raising children, or buying into gender altering surgeries, or as “asexuals”, denying any libido whatsoever. All this “inclusiveness” seems more of a smokescreen to avoid open dialogue about sex, relationships,
liberation from religious nonsense – a vision of a future without society much control and conflict.
There most certainly is room for every possible variation in terms of how we live our sexuality including gender identity. However, as someone schooled in biological sciences I know gender is first and foremost a matter of the chromosomes in our DNA.

Neither of the gay organizations I founded at Cornell (1968) or U of T (1969) have ever invited me to a meeting or event. Except for the John Alan Lee story and your communication, no academics have ever bothered to even attempt a dialogue about anything. Only twice have I had, what might be called meaningful interactions with students about gay history subjects. Similarly, no communications of substance with Glad Day, Xtra, the CLGA. (For a year or so, not sure how long, the U of T group was actually hoodwinked into believing that Ian Young was the founder! How that perception came about I can only speculate. I read about his participation at some U of T pride event and attempted to correct their understanding of history.)

Most media people who contact me for photos usually have little idea of my own role in the movement. Just an assumption that I was a photographer who happened to be there. No problem! It does however, seem a bit funny to be reduced to a single role.

Jearld Frederick Moldenhauer
Antipolo, Rizal Province
Philippines

*The website darbalmira.com (Dar Balmira Photography Gallery) literally vanished from the internet in 2024. The hosting company claims that I had not paid the renewal fee. Examining my e-mails I could find no Invoice message from them. All the images no doubt are stored on various harddrives. Again whether I have the time, energy and motivation to reconstruct the website is unclear.